Need for Privacy

I've been bad at blogging lately. Like, really bad. I know it. I can own it.

I recently asked myself why I lost my desire to blog, and I came up with a few main reasons.

1. I'm just tired.
2. Most days just seem too unremarkable to blog about.
3. A lot of the unremarkable things feel too personal to blog about.

I can't do much about the first one. It is what it is. I'm mentally exhausted when I get home from school. And I don't often feel like sitting down and writing.

The second one is just the result of having lived here for over 10 years. My days seem more ordinary than adventurous. There is always something new to be discovered or explored or experienced, which is one of the things I love about Indonesia. But back to number 1...

I think I can do something about the third thing. Right now, my blog is public. Anyone can access it and read any/all of the posts. But there are a lot of things lately I've stopped myself from writing about because I don't always know who my audience is. So I've made a decision. For my own safety and privacy, as well as that of the people/places I write about, I'm going to make my blog private.

This means that only people with permission can access and read it. If you would like to be one of those people, feel free to send me a message however you normally send me messages. Or you can also comment on this post. All I need to give you access is your g-mail address.

Jehovah Jireh

**EDIT - I started writing this blog post in September. Then I paused. For a minute. Then it was January. Somehow.

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After a thoroughly enjoyable time in America this summer, I am now back in Indonesia and back into the swing of teaching. This school year has been a tough one. The loss of last year's graduating class has been felt very keenly on campus this semester. I'm not sure how many students have come to me and cried over missing their beloved upperclassmen. This year has also brought the announcement that two families that I have worked with for 7 years will be leaving at the end of the school year. Though we still have this entire school year left to work and serve together, it feels like there is a dark cloud over our time together knowing the bitter goodbye that will come in a few short months.

As for me personally, I've moved into the new(ish) role of teaching 7th grade math! I wrote that with an exclamation point, but I feel no exclamation points in my heart when I think of teaching middle school. It's been challenging working with this age group. They get very emotional about things and I don't understand why. They argue when they should be listening. They sometimes forget how to add and subtract. And two months into the school year, many of them can't even remember to write their names on their homework. Teaching 7th grade feels like an awful mix of herding cats, teaching color to blind people, and working in a zoo. But somehow, I love them. They are precious and they are trying so hard to make me happy and I see that. 

We have had three students come forward this semester and confess a desire to hurt themselves, and we have one other student who so far has tried to hurt himself at school twice - once in my classroom. It's hard to watch people so young struggle with things so heavy.

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**EDIT - ^^ That's where I left off in September when I felt like this post was getting too depressing to post. So I'm going to continue the story now.

In October, a family who has lived and served here for several years made the decision to return to America after their son attempted to harm himself while at school. In a matter of three days, they packed their belongings, said their goodbyes, and went home to seek help and healing for their family. We have been hearing positive reports, but goodbyes are never easy, especially in circumstances as difficult as this. 

Three staff members have lost their fathers in the past three months. Thankfully, God has provided for all of them to be able to travel home to be with family during the initial stages of grief. But that has left a lot of gaps in our staff as we work together to cover for people travelling.

Currently it seems that our town is experiencing a dengue epidemic. Four school staff/family members have been hospitalized in the last week. One person spent the night in the hospital hallway waiting for a bed to open up. The hospitals are full of dengue patients. I am currently terrified of getting bit by a mosquito. I'm avoiding the outdoors and ruthlessly murdering every insect I see, mosquito or not, just to be safe. 

This has been a challenging school year, to say the least. I'd like to end this post by noting the many ways we have seen God's hand in the midst of the struggles, but if I'm being honest, even that has been hard. This school year has felt like a series of unfortunate events - we're just moving from one disaster to another, putting out as many fires as we can along the way. It's been exhausting. It has often been hard to see the good. One thing I can say with confidence though is that God always provides.