Things I've Said Recently that I Never Thought I'd Say

"I almost ran over a goat on the way to yoga today."

"Yes, both of my parents are white."

"Why is there a bird in my classroom?"

"Yes, I will change your grade to an A posthumously if you die during the school year."

"CAT, DON'T BRING THAT DRAGON IN MY HOUSE!"

"Stop touching your neighbor. Now."

"I think my lower leg bones are disproportionately long."

"I bought these pants from someone's living room."

"If you make the shark angry, isn't it MORE LIKELY to bite you?"

"Stop calling me Mariah Carey."

"I'd rather use a squatty potty."