funny how.....

it's about 82 degrees here today.
and i'm wearing long sleeves.
i don't think i'll ever survive another winter.

last night it was chilly too.
like maybe 70 degrees.
and it was raining.
so i went to a coffee shop with some friends.
wore jeans and a sweatshirt.
drank some hot chocolate.
listened to a good band.
it felt like fall.
the room was smoke filled.
usually i can't handle that.
i cough and i gag.
but last night.... i loved it.
i inhaled it the way little kids inhale gas fumes before they realize it's killing their brain cells.
i got home and realized i smelled like i spent the night in a bar.
my hoodie especially.
so i laid it out over my pillow and slept on it.
i can't even begin to describe the way it made me feel.
smell is a powerful sense.
possibly the most powerful one for me.

for some reason, i kept waking up in the night and thinking i was at home.
i could hear kyley breathing in her bed across the room from me.
i could hear dad moving around downstairs before the sun even came up.
i could hear the roosters crowing from the barn.

somehow, my cigarette smoke saturated shirt took me home.

when i woke up this morning, my shirt smelled like me again.
my eyes teared up.
i wanted to hold onto that feeling of home. safe. content.