refreshing nights

last night, i had to dormsit until 9 pm. after i got home, i felt really restless, so i decided to go for a drive.

there's this spot i know of. it's just a little ways up the mountain. from this one spot, i can sit in perfect solitude and darkness and see the lights of my town pulsating in the valley below me. perfect solitude is hard to find on the most densely populated island in the world. but that's the one place i've been able to find it. and sometimes i just need it. i love being able to hear myself breathe. i love watching the lights. i love being alone.

so i went there. but for some reason, the lights didn't captivate me like they normally do. so i laid down flat on my back. and i saw the stars. i had forgotten about those. i so rarely see them.

and those stars.... they spoke to me. they told me how big my God is. big enough to hang every single one of them over my head and hold them in their place. but they also told me, in spite of His bigness, how much He loves me. and not that distant kind of love, but that He'll never ever leave my side kind of love. and yesterday, i really needed reminded of that.

and i laid there, flat on my back, halfway up a mountain in indonesia, listening to the frogs, the crickets, and the gentle pinging of my motorbike engine cooling down, completely alone for the first time in months.... and i cried. tears of sheer joy.

He loves ME!



i laid there for awhile, lost in my thoughts, talking to God, praying for friends, praying for this nation. and eventually, i started to get paranoid about tiger attacks. so i sat up. and all the tears that had collected in my ears (since i was laying on my back) now ran down my neck. bizarre feeling. my ears were crying. so i wiped my neck off with my sleeve and came home. it's about a 15 minute drive back down the mountain.

i pulled up to the gate and one of my favorite jagas already had the gate open for me because he knows the sound of my bike coming down the road. we had this conversation, more or less:

him: hey!
me: hi!
him: *leaning in closer to scrutinize my face in the dark* feeling pretty tired, ya?
me: what? no, not yet. it's still early!
him: *squinting his eyes and looking even closer* well, your eyes are pretty red.
me: oh....?
him: maybe you've been crying? hahaha....
me: oh... um.... actually.... yeah.
him: WHAT? why?!? *with an "i'm gonna kill the guy who did this to you" attitude*
me: well, when i left, i didn't know where i wanted to go. i was just bored. so i went to this spot (explained the spot to him). do you know it?
him: yeah....
me: and i just laid down and looked at the stars. and there's so many. and they're so beautiful. and God made them. and our God is just so..... big.
him: yeah.... *visibly relaxing a bit*
me: and i was just thinking about how He's big enough to make the stars, but at the same time, He loves us and cares about all of us. and i guess i just.... cried.
him: that's strange. *completely relaxed but now confused*
me: ya, for me... i don't cry that much! but it felt good. i'm HAPPY. God loves us.
him: *smiling broadly* yes, he does!

so i came in the gate and parked my bike. and as i was walking to my house, i glanced over at the guard shack, but noticed it was empty. when my eyes adjusted to the darkness, i saw him standing in the yard, just staring up at the night sky. did he see what i saw?