An Epiphany

I haven't written anything solely for the sake of helping me process something for a long while. So here's one of those posts. We'll see where I end up.

I've always had great relationships with my students. Always. Great. It's one of the things I love about working here. I can go hang out with my students in the coffeeshop on the weekend. They spend an hour after school with me doing homework and hanging out in my classroom. They come early to school to talk. I get asked to chaperone just about every student led event. I get invited to their birthday parties.

But this year has been different. I feel like I have no kind of relationship with any of my students outside the classroom. Even students that I used to hang out with a lot rarely spend time in my room if they don't have to. And I don't know what changed.

Today, I communicated with two different sets of parents of students who are struggling in one of my classes. One set I met with in person; the other was via email. But both of them said the same thing - they know their children are struggling, and they know they need help, but their kids don't want to come to me for help because they think I am too busy.

Now, it is no lie that I am busy, in school and out. But where along the way have I communicated to my students that I am too busy for THEM? That was never my intention. I moved here for them. I stay here, through thick and thin, for them. Why do they think that I don't want to help them?

It took an incredible amount of will power not to burst into tears in front of the second set of parents when they told me their daughter would rather try to get help from one of her friends than from me.

On one hand, I'm thankful that my students are being sensitive to my workload and understanding that maybe it would help me out if they could try to get help from someone else before coming to me. But on the other hand, WHEN DID I BECOME THIS PERSON?!

And more importantly, how do I fix it?

I admit, there are days when I am extremely exhausted and grumpy and possibly don't want to answer 15 questions that I probably already explained at least once during class time. But I have never and will never turn away a student who comes to my door needing help.

However, the fact remains that obviously I am somehow communicating that I am too busy to help. What are my students picking up on that is leading them to this conclusion?

And even more worrisome - what will next year be like? We will be losing 6 teachers at the secondary school and gaining 2. If my students think I'm too busy to help them this year, what will they think next year?! I'm going to be a monster next year!! WHAT IF ALL THE KIDS HATE ME??!

Now at least I see where this writing-to-process deal has led. To utterly preposterous conclusions. This has not solved any of my problems. Maybe I just need to think about it some more.