Celebrity

When I first moved here, the instant celebrity status was a novelty. I thought it was funny when people took my picture or wolf whistled or shouted, "I love you, Mister!" longingly as I walked by. And it was a nice change from living in Kenya where the locals mostly mugged foreigners and we had to drive everywhere with the windows rolled all the way up, doors locked, and a machete under the front seat. Indonesia is definitely much more hospitable to foreigners.

But as with all things, the novelty wears off. The marriage proposals, the declarations of love, and especially the photo taking that they think is oh, so inconspicuous serves only to remind me that I am an outsider. I don't fit in here, and I never will.

I remember last Idul Fitri at a mall in Semarang, I was standing in a long line of holiday shoppers trying to buy some clothes for some village kids, and everywhere I looked, people were staring at me, pointing me out to their friends and small children, talking about me in hushed tones. I was the only white person in the entire mall, and I was nearly in tears. Maybe I was PMSing or something, but I just remember feeling such an overwhelming sense of despair as I thought about the last 4 years I'd spent here trying to make this place home, building relationships and learning languages - all for what? To STILL be an outsider. And I realized that to them, I will always be an outsider.

I know, I know - this earth isn't my home. I'm a stranger in this land, and all that. Valid. Very valid. But not always reassuring. Not in a mall full of people pointing and staring at me like I have two heads.

Feeling like a pariah every time I leave the house is only one side of the story. There are also the people that put me on a pedestal and give me the extra special treatment. Instead of sneakily trying to take a picture of me with their camera phone, they boldly walk over to me, tell me I'm pretty, and ask to take a picture WITH me. This usually involves at least 4 different poses. Others ask for my phone number, Facebook name, email address, autograph, etc. Yet others want me to be on a panel of judges for some event or to come speak at their school or to meet their friends. This also serves to remind me that I'm not one of them - if I was, they wouldn't be talking to me at all. Which is why I consider it to be racism (a bold statement, I know). Because really, they are treating me differently solely because of the color of my skin. If it were any other color, nobody would give me a second glance.

When the novelty of being ushered to the front of the line or having my picture taken in the grocery store or being introduced to people's children while clothes shopping started to wear off, I was hesitant to do or say anything about it because I was afraid to seem rude. I think I spent about a year and a half grudgingly taking pictures with random people on the street just to be nice. I rarely smiled though, so I guess I showed them!

Lately (as in the past couple of months), I've been feeling more and more like I can't keep silent. I've started building up resentment towards those people whom I perceive to be hell bent on making me feel strange or different, though I do know deep down in my heart that their intentions are completely innocent. I don't want to feel resentful about it, but I know that nothing will change if I don't step up and do something about it. So the last few times somebody has asked for my phone number or if they can take a picture with me, my response has simply been, "Why?" Usually people think I didn't understand their request, and they repeat it LOUDER and slooooowerrrr (it's not only the stereotypical American tourist that does that, thank goodness). And again, I ask, "Why?" I want people to think about why exactly they feel like they need to take my picture. What are they even going to do with it? They don't even know my name!

See, the thing is, nobody will come right out and say, "Because you're white". And besides that reason, they have no other reason. Usually the person hesitates for a moment, dumbfounded, then just walks away in disbelief, confused and possibly slightly upset because the bule (white person) didn't want to take a picture with them. The last time I did this, I felt like I owed the guy an explanation. I think he might have been dared to come ask to take my picture, and all his friends were watching, so I didn't want to completely shame him. I simply told him, "You want to take a picture with me because my skin is white. But under my skin, I'm the same as you. I'm not famous or special, so there's no reason to take a picture of me. Sorry."

I think it's a line that works, and I might stick with it. Because I don't want to get my picture taken with strangers. I don't want to model for your photography studio. I don't want to be Santa Clause at your church for Christmas. I don't want to be the speaker at your school's English conference. I don't want to sit in the front row. I don't want to take the only empty seat on the bus when 50 other people are standing. I don't want to pay $20 for something that everyone else is charged $3 for. I don't want to be treated differently from everybody else just because of the color of my skin.

What I want is to finally feel like I am home.

I haven't felt that way for four years.